sketch from children's Christmas Mass
(frame courtesy of Photo Explosion software)
I am trying to tone down my angry posting. However, that isn't always healthy, so there will be times when some persons won't want to read my rants.
caution on reading emily carr
I posted earlier that I admire the Canadian writer/artist Emily Carr and that she is a good role model for those of us who are "late bloomers" (coming into ourselves in the later part of our lives).
Last night, I was reading in the book of her excluded journal entries and was at first delighted to read some of her spiritual journey entries. And then I went back to the beginning and read about what and why things were left out of her first printed journals, believe the title of that one is "Hundreds and Thousands". I was deeply saddened to find that Miss Emily had a nasty racist streak. It doesn't "line up" with her wholesome image, with her writing about her journey through theosophy back to Christianity.
Knowing that nobody is perfect, I offer Emily Carr as a role model with caution. As far as art, writing, not giving up on oneself, I still think she's good for that. But, I definitely do not want to follow some of her other personal examples.
Maybe sometimes a role model can also help us decide what we don't want to end up being in the second half of our lives.
RitaSheWhoThinksTooMuchGail
Last night, I was reading in the book of her excluded journal entries and was at first delighted to read some of her spiritual journey entries. And then I went back to the beginning and read about what and why things were left out of her first printed journals, believe the title of that one is "Hundreds and Thousands". I was deeply saddened to find that Miss Emily had a nasty racist streak. It doesn't "line up" with her wholesome image, with her writing about her journey through theosophy back to Christianity.
Knowing that nobody is perfect, I offer Emily Carr as a role model with caution. As far as art, writing, not giving up on oneself, I still think she's good for that. But, I definitely do not want to follow some of her other personal examples.
Maybe sometimes a role model can also help us decide what we don't want to end up being in the second half of our lives.
RitaSheWhoThinksTooMuchGail
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Birthday Letter to My Deceased Dad
Dear Dad,
If I'm counting right, today would be your 71st birthday.
I have something to tell you. I know that you ranted and raged against church people most of your life. And, after every thing I've been through, I sadly had to come to an acknowledgement that you were right in many ways. They do tend to set themselves up as better than non-churchgoers, while sometimes acting worse. At times, they do put on a superior "I'm going to Heaven and you're not". And, worst of all, there are many who use church as a social gathering, not a real spiritual base of faith in the God they proclaim. They can be even greedier for power and social position than the "unchurched" that they label as "lost".
And so it was that I've found myself these past few years since your death having to at least partially agree with you, my violent grudge holding father, that church people aren't worth it. On top of this, Mom has now become one herself, while denying my existence. It's been all I can do to stay a member in any church. If I didn't believe in a "cosmic Jesus/God", I wouldn't be attending anywhere.
Just this past week, I went beyond what people call my "comfort zone" to attend a party at church. At least one person knew that I had planned attending, but they changed the date and nobody told me. My nerves already frayed from the stress of the holidays and from responsibilities, when I got to the church and was told the party had been held the day before, I burst into tears, I mean, I wailed, more than I've cried in a very long time. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a position or place where I could continue that, so I had to pull myself together and stop my crying as soon as I was able.
That's when it happened. Not only were people apologizing to me, but, one person in particular, one who has caused me much grief in the past several years, made it a point to say to me: "Will you forgive me.....please....forgive me."
I didn't realize then how much this meant to me, because, I felt that my missing the party was largely my fault. After all, I'm not a "party girl" and most years I don't attend any kind of social gathering. In my mind, I was more upset with myself because I'm so flawed that social gatherings wear me out, sometimes even making me physically ill. It wasn't until this morning that I realized how much that person asking my forgiveness meant to me.
Oh, I could go on about how there are many other really rotten things that he's done in the past that he should have asked forgiveness for rather than for overlooking me at a party...but I remember something he said about it being his fault--he took full responsibility.
Dad, that's more than you ever did.
So it is that I find myself on this birthday of yours, thinking maybe that teenage self of mine who told you "Daddy, church people really aren't that bad", maybe, just maybe she had it right. I hope so
As always, my prayers for you wherever God has you, hoping that at the very least you are sleeping peacefully from your life that was so hard for you, and, if possible that you have your own part of a heavenly countryside in which to dwell. Blessed birthday Daddy.
Your church going Jesus believing truth demanding ridiculous goofy daughter,
Ritagail
If I'm counting right, today would be your 71st birthday.
I have something to tell you. I know that you ranted and raged against church people most of your life. And, after every thing I've been through, I sadly had to come to an acknowledgement that you were right in many ways. They do tend to set themselves up as better than non-churchgoers, while sometimes acting worse. At times, they do put on a superior "I'm going to Heaven and you're not". And, worst of all, there are many who use church as a social gathering, not a real spiritual base of faith in the God they proclaim. They can be even greedier for power and social position than the "unchurched" that they label as "lost".
And so it was that I've found myself these past few years since your death having to at least partially agree with you, my violent grudge holding father, that church people aren't worth it. On top of this, Mom has now become one herself, while denying my existence. It's been all I can do to stay a member in any church. If I didn't believe in a "cosmic Jesus/God", I wouldn't be attending anywhere.
Just this past week, I went beyond what people call my "comfort zone" to attend a party at church. At least one person knew that I had planned attending, but they changed the date and nobody told me. My nerves already frayed from the stress of the holidays and from responsibilities, when I got to the church and was told the party had been held the day before, I burst into tears, I mean, I wailed, more than I've cried in a very long time. Unfortunately, I wasn't in a position or place where I could continue that, so I had to pull myself together and stop my crying as soon as I was able.
That's when it happened. Not only were people apologizing to me, but, one person in particular, one who has caused me much grief in the past several years, made it a point to say to me: "Will you forgive me.....please....forgive me."
I didn't realize then how much this meant to me, because, I felt that my missing the party was largely my fault. After all, I'm not a "party girl" and most years I don't attend any kind of social gathering. In my mind, I was more upset with myself because I'm so flawed that social gatherings wear me out, sometimes even making me physically ill. It wasn't until this morning that I realized how much that person asking my forgiveness meant to me.
Oh, I could go on about how there are many other really rotten things that he's done in the past that he should have asked forgiveness for rather than for overlooking me at a party...but I remember something he said about it being his fault--he took full responsibility.
Dad, that's more than you ever did.
So it is that I find myself on this birthday of yours, thinking maybe that teenage self of mine who told you "Daddy, church people really aren't that bad", maybe, just maybe she had it right. I hope so
As always, my prayers for you wherever God has you, hoping that at the very least you are sleeping peacefully from your life that was so hard for you, and, if possible that you have your own part of a heavenly countryside in which to dwell. Blessed birthday Daddy.
Your church going Jesus believing truth demanding ridiculous goofy daughter,
Ritagail
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weekend dec. 20/21 reflection
Some people have mentioned to me that they wished I would write Scripture reflections again. I read the liturgical readings for this weekend, and this is my offering. I use the King James version as it is "public domain".
2 Samuel 7: 5, 6:
"Go and tell my servant David, Thus saith the LORD, Shalt thou build me an house for me to dwell in?
Whereas I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle. "
Where does God dwell?
Oh, yes, I know we say God is everywhere, God lives inside each one of us, God IS.
King David, having had some grand place built for himself to live, is lamenting to the prophet Nathan that he wants to build God a house. God basically says, "What do I need a house for?" Is God homeless? Or is God restless...unable to settle down? Is God arrogant...."I'm so Grand no mere human can build me a house!" Or is God a free spirit, unable to be contained?
In the Gospel reading the angel comes to Mary to tell her about the baby Jesus. Anyone who has watched Charlie Brown Christmas has heard the Gospel reading of the Good News. Most of us know about Immanuel, God With Us. But do we really believe it? Is it so hard to accept that the God Who dwelt between the cherubim in the Ark of the Covenant, would choose to dwell not in a finely crafted and bejeweled shelter, but in a death prone casket of human flesh? Is it so hard to believe God would choose to become one of us?
For many, the answer is "Yes", they can't believe. Mostly they can't believe because the state the world is in right now proves that God either doesn't exist and/or doesn't care about us. And, they have a strong argument. There are many Christians who believe in following the principles of Christ, but don't believe that Jesus is a real, living entity. I can understand that.
Through the sorrows and pain of my lifetime, I've had to confront what I really believe and why. If I had to base my belief on other humans, for the most part, I would not believe in God. So, the person writing this isn't some starry eyed believer in the inherent goodness of humans, and, therefore in a good God.
No, I believe in God because of the stars that represent the eternal unknown. Ever since I was kicked outside whenever it suited my Dad's purpose, the Creator of those stars has been my companion, even when I didn't want that companion there. I believe in God because of those times when I just want to chuck this rotten thing we call life and some Presence makes Itself known to me outside of mind, time, heart....outside of any kind of human words or understanding. Sure, in those times of stress, it could be a delusion, but then, if the delusion protects me and helps me to keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving, what does it matter to call it God?
If this disembodied entity that we call God, or Spirit, can dwell inside of me long enough to aid me/teach me, isn't it for that moment embodied within me? If it can do that, then why is it so far fetched that it might want a body of its own? Maybe God didn't want a house to dwell in because God wanted to make God's own body and see what it felt like. Oh, I know, there's the Grand Plan and Salvation, and all of that. But God is known as Creator...an Artist...and artists are an insatiably curious and odd breed.
Where does God dwell in your life? Where do you allow God to dwell in your life?
2 Samuel 7: 5, 6:
"Go and tell my servant David, Thus saith the LORD, Shalt thou build me an house for me to dwell in?
Whereas I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle. "
Where does God dwell?
Oh, yes, I know we say God is everywhere, God lives inside each one of us, God IS.
King David, having had some grand place built for himself to live, is lamenting to the prophet Nathan that he wants to build God a house. God basically says, "What do I need a house for?" Is God homeless? Or is God restless...unable to settle down? Is God arrogant...."I'm so Grand no mere human can build me a house!" Or is God a free spirit, unable to be contained?
In the Gospel reading the angel comes to Mary to tell her about the baby Jesus. Anyone who has watched Charlie Brown Christmas has heard the Gospel reading of the Good News. Most of us know about Immanuel, God With Us. But do we really believe it? Is it so hard to accept that the God Who dwelt between the cherubim in the Ark of the Covenant, would choose to dwell not in a finely crafted and bejeweled shelter, but in a death prone casket of human flesh? Is it so hard to believe God would choose to become one of us?
For many, the answer is "Yes", they can't believe. Mostly they can't believe because the state the world is in right now proves that God either doesn't exist and/or doesn't care about us. And, they have a strong argument. There are many Christians who believe in following the principles of Christ, but don't believe that Jesus is a real, living entity. I can understand that.
Through the sorrows and pain of my lifetime, I've had to confront what I really believe and why. If I had to base my belief on other humans, for the most part, I would not believe in God. So, the person writing this isn't some starry eyed believer in the inherent goodness of humans, and, therefore in a good God.
No, I believe in God because of the stars that represent the eternal unknown. Ever since I was kicked outside whenever it suited my Dad's purpose, the Creator of those stars has been my companion, even when I didn't want that companion there. I believe in God because of those times when I just want to chuck this rotten thing we call life and some Presence makes Itself known to me outside of mind, time, heart....outside of any kind of human words or understanding. Sure, in those times of stress, it could be a delusion, but then, if the delusion protects me and helps me to keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving, what does it matter to call it God?
If this disembodied entity that we call God, or Spirit, can dwell inside of me long enough to aid me/teach me, isn't it for that moment embodied within me? If it can do that, then why is it so far fetched that it might want a body of its own? Maybe God didn't want a house to dwell in because God wanted to make God's own body and see what it felt like. Oh, I know, there's the Grand Plan and Salvation, and all of that. But God is known as Creator...an Artist...and artists are an insatiably curious and odd breed.
Where does God dwell in your life? Where do you allow God to dwell in your life?
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funny singing to "All I Want for Christmas"
I should have said, "With apologies to the writers of the music for 'All I Want for Christmas'." This is especially for all those people who drive me CrAzY about "being happy"......................hope it makes you at least smile. (If you don't have MP3 player, try clicking on the wav file link.)
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Dec. 13, Emily Carr Birthday
Emily Carr was a Canadian artist and writer. She's a very good role model for those of us considered to be "late bloomers". Here is a link to the first page of the excellent online archives of some of her artwork.
http://bcheritage.ca/emilycarrhomework/gallery/bccon1.htm
http://bcheritage.ca/emilycarrhomework/gallery/bccon1.htm
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Emily D. and Thomas M. Day
December 10 is both Emily Dickinson's birthday and Thomas Merton's birth into eternity (death day).
In memory of them, I wrote a haiku and put it on one of my photos from this past summer's garden. Enjoy.
In memory of them, I wrote a haiku and put it on one of my photos from this past summer's garden. Enjoy.
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Thanksgiving Greeting
If you can't read the font, it says:
Wishing you a contented-cat
Thanksgiving Day
and don't forget the camera!
Wishing you a contented-cat
Thanksgiving Day
and don't forget the camera!
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Solemnity of Jesus Christ the King
First of all, thank you for reading/viewing.
Today I worked on the painting, it is 18" x 24", water-soluble oils. It still needs some work, but it's finished enough for the story, and my neck is aggravated so I had to quit.
I won't reflect much on this process, instead, I'll post 2 poems today. I know that some of you have been irritated with me (more than one of you mentioned it) that I hadn't enabled comments. I didn't because, while I didn't know WHAT the process was going to be, I knew that it was something where I needed to be very careful with comments, either positive or negative. I will now attempt to enable comments.
Thanks again. For those of you who struggle with both faith and creativity and have told me this has helped you, I am very grateful that I've been able to share, and that you have taken the time to tell me how it has helped.
One more thing: I nearly quit and chucked the whole works at least 3 times. There were times when it was a drudge, there were also times when it was a blessing. Like life. If little ole me can endure 70 days of creating while nursing a neck sprain...........just think of your own possibilties!
--Ritagail
********************************************
O Resurrected One,
Remember us.
Come find us.
We can't crawl
Out of our religious wells
By ourselves.
We're imprisoned by our drive
To be "right"--
On all sides.
Thou hast too long tarried.
We have no more vision,
And we perish.
You asked once if any
Faith
Will remain
When You return.
We're trying,
Dear Resurrected One,
We're trying,
But Oh! You need to know:
Faith
Nearly lies dying.
***********
Home.
It isn't a place,
Or people.
It isn't where my art supplies
Congregate,
Or where my cat sleeps.
It isn't the blood-soaked land
Of my ancestors,
Or the blood-soaked memories
Of survival.
It isn't a religion,
Or a philosophy,
Or a nation.
Home
is
Jesus.
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